Jasper Lotus Hawkins: I Woke and I Waited

=================================== Fall '11 TOC

I died in the morning after those men hurt me

I woke in the morning and wished I could fly away

I woke in shock and desired to become invisible

I woke in the morning and couldn't move my legs.

I woke in the morning and wished I was still sleeping

I woke and discovered that my legs struggled to walk away

I woke and discovered that I am alone inside this body.

I knew that the hospital could help me but I feared it

I knew that the doctors would know what had happened

I knew that the truth would be known by so many

I woke and decided that to stay and be seen would be painful

I woke and decided that I would forget all about it

I woke and decided that no one could ever know it,

I woke and knew that I would be damaged forever

I woke and I realized that I would always be alone

I craved to forget it, to erase it, to erase it

to erase it,  to erase it,  to erase it,  to erase it

I packed my car and moved far away.

I shaved off my hair and dressed like a boy

I learned how to know how not to feel pretty

I figured out how to avoid being noticed

I drove my car far on so many highways

I ran and I ran and I ran and kept running.

I buried the memories and forgot all about it

I lived twenty years without ever remembering

I smoked twenty years worth of poisonous cigarettes

I smoke screened my memories to carve space to hide in

I smoked and I drank and I stumbled in darkness

I drank and I stumbled and could never forget it

No one would believe it could have happened

They said that it wasn't the way I remembered

They said that it must have only been my imagination

My body refuses their denial and remembers it clearly.

My cells have held on to the toxic dark memory

The night I was murdered, my soul woke in darkness

I woke and I lived in a state of permanent sleeping

I wasted my time missing my self in my presence

I wanted to be seen but couldn't see my own face

I looked in the mirror and saw what was damaged

I waited to find you, my lost little girl

I waited to tell you that it wasn't your fault

I waited until you would listen and hear me

the truth of your numbness was torture and cruelty

Blue is the color of freedom from this darkness.

No color applies to where you escaped from.

You were gone from me, paralyzed,

asleep, numb and hidden

Awake I can see you

Awake I can hear you

Awake I can listen to how to move on

Still drifting, cleansed free from the toxins

A mind that now knows how to bury the flashes

of memories that too long have haunted your living

Live on and live free in a mind free from darkness

I waited to find you my lost little girl.

I waited to wash you with tears free from anger

I waited to show you how beauty surrounds you

I waited to ask you to please live on loving

I want you to be here to love and to teach me

I need you beside me my lost little girl

I need you to see me so I can know innocence

I need to ask you to please hold my hand

I found a treasure of jewels on the edge of the ocean

I was held in the arms of someone who loved me

I made love to a woman whose love made me dizzy

I made love to a woman whose body was beauty

I left her only because I couldn’t stay.

Alone I was pregnant to learn transformation

I gave birth to a boy whose heart awakened my own.

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Not Enough Night
Not Enough Night
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